Solitude really sucks right now. I wondered how I would actually deal with this in a real crisis, and now I know: I don't deal with it well at all. Evenings and overnights are the worst.
I don't think I'm wanting a lover. But I am wanting Quan Yin, that bodhisattva of unlimited compassion, to come and sit with me, sleep beside me, ease me through this time.
It would take a woman of unlimited compassion to go through this experience with me 24/7. It would completely be an act of selfless charity, not something motivated by desire or attraction.
I keep telling myself I am one with everything around me, and that solitude is only an illusion. But at the basic emotional level, it feels like I'm just sitting in a box, out of everybody's way, until I die.